Inuyasha fic : The Pain in My Heart

[saraste]

And back with a new fic!

Fandom: Inuyasha
Warnings: darkfic, mega angst, mention of rape, disfigurement, fluff(??), slightly ooc Inuyasha..
Rating:  PG-13
Disclaimer: They all belong to Rumiko Takahashi-sama.

“Go away Miroku!”, Inuyasha screamed as he heard familiar steps entering the hut. He would have turned his back on him but he was still far too weak, could barely move any muscle. He felt humiliated, alone. How could he have been so defenseless? He would have just wanted to curl up on himself and cry. Miroku would never want to be with him now, now that he knew what humiliation he had gone through. For the monk surely knew. Kaede would have told him. And it would have been obvious, the hanyo thought.

“Please..”, Inuyasha cursed inwardly at how his voice creaked, “..please just leave me alone Miroku. I need to be alone..” He couldn't prevent the tears from coming anymore. He stubbornly kept his head turned the other way, to preserve even some of his dignity. But in his heart he knew he did not have any, not after what had happened, what he had allowed to be done to him.

He heard the monk sit down by him. He felt a wet towel dabbing at his forehead, cooling his fevered skin. Why was he fevered? Must be because of the poison and the wounds.

“Inuyasha..” The monks voice, which he had feared he would never hear again, soothed him. Almost against his will he turned his head towards the voice. It was then when he realized that the other couldn't have even seen his tears for there were bandages wrapped over his eyes. He would never see the monk's face again for as long as he lived. He took a deep breath, letting go of his anger, he was under their care now. To be taken care of. Theirs to protect. For he could not do so for some time.

He knew his eyes would not heal.

And to be able to compensate for the loss of his sight with his other senses would take time. And for the moment, who knew for hoe long, he was effectively rendered immobile because of the horrendous damage done to his body. His self-healing body would have repaired most of the damage easily by now had it not been for the poison still in his system.

“How long?..” His own voice was hoarse, he felt his head being lifted and a cup being pressed to his lips. He drank greedily. Miroku laid him gently down onto the covers.

“Almost a month.”

“What?!”

“Calm yourself, Inuyasha. Kaede wonders that too, with you still being in such poor health. She says there must be something else taxing your strength. Even with your demonic blood you should be able to move a little..”

“Does she think that might affect my eyes too?” He was resigned to his faith, but still he wanted it affirmed, wanted to kill hope before it became a weakness. Miroku sought out Inuyasha's hand, making the others heart jump and breath hitch.

“No, I'm sorry... That bastard Naraku damaged them too much..and his poison... I'm..I'm sorry.”

Inuyasha swallowed. And then something happened he had not dared hope for.

Miroku scooped him up and held him close. “I'll be your eyes.. Your sight.. And your love, should you let me?..” with those words, the monk brushed his lips against Inuyasha's in a ghost of a kiss. Then he pressed them against Inuyasha's.

It was sweet. It was fire. It was all his dreams answered. He felt weak, he wanted to give in, oh, he so wanted to. Save for his shame he would have eagerly kissed back. Would have given Miroku all he had, his soul, his love, his heart. But he couldn't. So even while it felt like he was tearing out his own heart he struggled as strongly as he could against Miroku to make him stop the kiss.

Miroku drew away in astonishment. “Inuyasha..”, he whispered questioningly. Inuyasha trembled under him, sobbing quietly. “I cant... dirty..dirty..You know what he did to me.. I'm damaged... Broken.. Don't..don't..” Miroku tried to soothe the distraught hanyou. But he drew away from his hands. “I.. Kagome..need her..please.. can't..” Miroku dejectedly gave in, hearing the pain in Inuyasha's voice.

He went outside the hut, leaving Inuyasha alone.

Soon there was a rap to the door-frame and a timid, low voice asked if she could come in. He conceded with a silent, slightly raspy 'Yes'. Kagome hurried to him and knelt right by him. He could hear her gasp in horror even though he suspected that she'd seen him while he was unconscious. She reached for the wet cloth and did the same what Miroku had done.

“What is it, Inuyasha?..” She asked, her voice compassionate. His body shook in time with silent sobs.

“He loves me...”

“Isn't that a good thing? You said you could never love anyone like you've grown to love him. You told that to me yourself.”

She grasped his hand in hers, squeezing it reassuringly. Their friendship had survived him admitting that he could never love her like she would maybe have wanted. Instead he loved her like the sister he never had. Loved her as his dearest friend. For her, who had known him the longest since his awakening from his enchanted sleep, he could not lie. Her he could not deceit.

“But I'm... sullied... You..know what..what that bastard did..” His voice faded, the humiliation was too fresh. He still felt as if Naraku was violating him, his body, his mind. He felt so utterly defenseless and helpless.

“Inuyasha, it was not your fault. That's what he would have you think. It was not your fault!” And she gave his feverish brow a chaste kiss. “We will keep you safe..”

Outside the hut Miroku threw him against the wall just beside the door. He had not heard what words had been exchanged but had seen the gestures, the familiarity, the soothing kiss. Of course, that is why Inuyasha must have refused him, he was in love with her! He crumpled to the dirt, defeated, hugging his knees. Tears streaked from the eyes which he had offered to be Inuyasha's. He cried until bitter dreams took him into their black oblivion.