Inuyasha fic : The Pain in My Heart

[saraste]

Warnings: darkfic, angst, vague mention of rape, disfigurement...
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: They belong to Rumiko Takahashi.

“You should at least see him once in a while..” Kagome reprimanded the monk. He looked at her, barely able to conceal his contempt. Her comment was moot, though, as Inuyasha refused to see Miroku.

He wept for days on end. It had continued for two weeks like this, now. Kagome sat by Inuyasha and treated to his wounds which healed so very slowly. He was able to move some but it was still a long ways until he could walk. The dressings over the hanyou's eyes still required daily changing because dark puss still oozed from the wounds. Kagome shed silent tears while she changed them, mourning for her friend.

Inuyasha still suffered horrible nightmares. The waking nightmare he had been forced to endure haunted even his dreams. He could not get over it. He felt the pain all over again. He relived it, and in his dreams his subconsciousness which hadn't been able to suppress the memories from etching into the corners of his mind replayed the horror. Why could he not forget? To be rid of the feeling of having been sullied, dirty, broken in the worst way...

That is why he had pushed Miroku away. He was afraid now. Afraid that even whatever intimacy he could share with the man the nightmares would loom over his happiness, poisoning it. He cried over it at night and sulked during the day. He became otherwise sullen too.

He would sit for days on end, propped up with pillows, just sitting, in silence. He had begun to be picky over his eating and he'd have to be coaxed to take in even some nourishment. Kagome forcefully spooned a herbal broth into his mouth one day and brought it up.

“You are unwell, even with you still recovering. You should have gotten better now.”

“Hn..”

“Inuyasha!”

He raised his hand and batted her spoon-wielding one away, spilling the broth all over.

“You know what I remember, about that day? You know what... ”. Inuyasha raised himself up, grimacing as he raised his hand and started to unwrap the bandages on his face. Kagome wanted to look away, but really couldn't. She gasped a seeing his face, the scars covering his face.

“And the only thing I see..”, he swallowed, “..the only thing I see, is that bastards face.. I see it in my dreams every night. But him..his face has faded from my memory. I can't see him anymore.. I want to die, I can't live with this anymore...”

Kagome ached for the pain shown clearly on Inuyasha's face. It was raw. And she knew the nightmares might never cease, that they would always be on the back of Inuyasha's mind, haunting him. The hanyo was rocking back and forth now, crying silently. For him to heal, he would need the one person he was pushing away. Miroku.

“I know this isn't what you need to hear but.. I'm leaving with Sango for a few days. We have to get to more Shards before Naraku finds them. And Miroku will look out for you. Give him a chance. He loves you..”

“No...”

“You can't let him win.”

“I said no!” And he swung his arm, knocking the bowl of broth from her hands, it cracked and broke on the floor.

Kagome sighed, got up and straightened her skirt. “I am going, it's better for you. You'll see. Give Miroku a chance... he truly loves you. And he..he can help you in a way I can't.” Kagome smiled as Inuyasha actually almost sulked to her words, knowing the truth in them. Going outside where Miroku was trying hard to pretend he hadn't been eavesdropping.

“Well I'll just..”

“You aren't going anywhere!” The girl cornered him. Miroku looked at her dismissively. “I know that you heard what I said to him.”

“But he..you!”

“We're just friends, nothing else. There was a time when I would've.. But he's been in love with you for ages!”

“You kissed him!”

“Not on the lips!”

“But you're so..familiar with him! There must be something between you two, there just has to be!”

“That's a little thing called friendship! Get this into your thick skull Inuyasha..Loves..You!”

They turned at the sound of someone clearing their throat. It was Sango.

“Ready to go Kagome?”

“Yes, as soon as this thick headed lecherous excuse of a monk will admit he's in love with Inuyasha and gets it into his head that Inuyasha loves him, not me!”

“Well if you're trying to do all that, we'll still be here tomorrow..” The demon exterminator sighed dejectedly. The two men were both so thickheaded.

Kagome looked at Miroku sternly “If you really love him, go to him. I really fear for him. I feel that he grows weaker by the day. He needs comfort in a way I can't give. He needs to be reassured he can be whole again. He needs you!” That said, she turned on her heels and stormed towards the outskirts to the village, only stopping to snatch her backpack from the ground outside Kaede's door.

“Should I leave Kirara to you? We would need her but if you feel?..”

Miroku waved his hand dismissively. “You take her, Kaede's here, even if she's old she has defended this village by herself before. And you'll be drawing danger behind yourselves with the Shards she carries with her. And Naraku won't come, at least I hope so. He must still think that he left Inuyasha for..” Here his voice choked and he could not say what he'd intended. Sango lay her hand on his for a second and nodded, understanding. “Well be back as soon as we can. I didn't say it to her but I'm hoping we could get some help from Kouga. Hopefully he won't be too mocking over Inuyasha's condition.” He just nodded and watched as she left behind the girl.

Sighing to steel himself for the harsh words he would surely encounter he retraced his steps and soon stood in front of Kaede's door. He took a deep breath and marched in.